Saturday, July 05, 2003
TELLING ERIKA, Sex and Lies continued...
We stayed together for the children's sake might be my mother's explanation for her life but it wouldn't be mine. The only thing that caused me anguish was Erika. She was ten years old. She was a beautiful child, a trouble free child who had brought Pete and I great joy.
I spent many hours rationalizing my behavior so I could move on the decision I had already made. I referred to books on child care and parenting that said the first three years were crucial in forming a child, after that, not much else mattered. At the time genetics were not in the common lexicon, but I would have used that argument too. Also, I was not leaving her, I was leaving a marriage. I didn't want to shut Pete out of my life either. I wanted us to continue to have some form of relationship, I just did not want it to be marriage. Erika would have the option of moving in with me in my downtown loft. She would be enrolled in a Boston public school. In my heart I knew this would not be the greatest thing for her but we would manage. In Newton, she had her dad, a walk to school with all the friends she'd known for most of her short life and a familiar home.
I knew she sensed something was amiss. How do I tell her and what do I tell her to let her know that I love her and my leaving our home was not the same as leaving her? It was summer and she and I had taken the train to New London and the Cross Sound Ferry to visit my folks in Mattituck. Pete and I were no longer keeping up the facade for my parents, but they all were humoring me, thinking it was a phase that would pass. It was ironic that the man my parents had argued against me marrying was now the family mascot.
It was mid afternoon and Erika and I were swimming together off the family dock. Erika was in an inner tube and we were chatting. We were alone. She seemed relaxed. I began to explain that things had changed for mommy at home, that I needed more space for my art work, that soon I would be moving into my studio, but that we would see each other often, every day if she wanted, and that I loved her. Her face was solemn. She said nothing. She started spinning herself around and around and away from me in her inner tube.
We stayed together for the children's sake might be my mother's explanation for her life but it wouldn't be mine. The only thing that caused me anguish was Erika. She was ten years old. She was a beautiful child, a trouble free child who had brought Pete and I great joy.
I spent many hours rationalizing my behavior so I could move on the decision I had already made. I referred to books on child care and parenting that said the first three years were crucial in forming a child, after that, not much else mattered. At the time genetics were not in the common lexicon, but I would have used that argument too. Also, I was not leaving her, I was leaving a marriage. I didn't want to shut Pete out of my life either. I wanted us to continue to have some form of relationship, I just did not want it to be marriage. Erika would have the option of moving in with me in my downtown loft. She would be enrolled in a Boston public school. In my heart I knew this would not be the greatest thing for her but we would manage. In Newton, she had her dad, a walk to school with all the friends she'd known for most of her short life and a familiar home.
I knew she sensed something was amiss. How do I tell her and what do I tell her to let her know that I love her and my leaving our home was not the same as leaving her? It was summer and she and I had taken the train to New London and the Cross Sound Ferry to visit my folks in Mattituck. Pete and I were no longer keeping up the facade for my parents, but they all were humoring me, thinking it was a phase that would pass. It was ironic that the man my parents had argued against me marrying was now the family mascot.
It was mid afternoon and Erika and I were swimming together off the family dock. Erika was in an inner tube and we were chatting. We were alone. She seemed relaxed. I began to explain that things had changed for mommy at home, that I needed more space for my art work, that soon I would be moving into my studio, but that we would see each other often, every day if she wanted, and that I loved her. Her face was solemn. She said nothing. She started spinning herself around and around and away from me in her inner tube.
