Saturday, July 05, 2003
OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE, Sex and Lies continued...
Guilt was a new feeling for me and I didn't like it. I snuck into the house that first night and Pete was already in bed. My 10 year old daughter was asleep in her room. I shower and slink into bed with Pete. In this moment I know I have betrayed our marriage in a way that is irretrievable. Pete knows I am moving into this art studio at Fort Point. He thinks it is momentary insanity inspired by my "arty farty friends". He always said I was too easily influenced. He believes it is temporary and as soon as I regain my sanity I will move back home where I belong.
He forgets that I had displays of what some people would call insanity much earlier in our marriage. I'll never forget the time when Erika was about 5 years old. Pete and I were working together at the M.I.T.summer day camp. It was a camp for M.I.T. faculty kids from 6 to 14 (Erika got in because her dad was the Director and her mom ran the arts and crafts program.) That summer I began having what I could only call frequent "out of body" experiences. I did not do drugs and I was not into any spirituality/guru or whatever sort of stuff. I could feel myself, my real self, looking down at me in my life going about my business, but it wasn't me. The real me was the observer. It scared the shit out of me. One day I formally asked Pete to have lunch with me in the student center. This was an unusual event because he and I had so many kids to deal with during the day, we never took time for lunch, let alone with each other in an adult arena. We got our lunch trays in the cafeteria. I looked for a table where we could talk privately. I tried to tell him how afraid I was of this feeling, this sensation I was having. The fly on the wall looking down at myself. I cried. He listened to me. He cared about me so I know he tried to understand. But, he didn't. "You'll be O.K. honey" he said. "You have paralysis of the analysis." I never mentioned it again.
Guilt was a new feeling for me and I didn't like it. I snuck into the house that first night and Pete was already in bed. My 10 year old daughter was asleep in her room. I shower and slink into bed with Pete. In this moment I know I have betrayed our marriage in a way that is irretrievable. Pete knows I am moving into this art studio at Fort Point. He thinks it is momentary insanity inspired by my "arty farty friends". He always said I was too easily influenced. He believes it is temporary and as soon as I regain my sanity I will move back home where I belong.
He forgets that I had displays of what some people would call insanity much earlier in our marriage. I'll never forget the time when Erika was about 5 years old. Pete and I were working together at the M.I.T.summer day camp. It was a camp for M.I.T. faculty kids from 6 to 14 (Erika got in because her dad was the Director and her mom ran the arts and crafts program.) That summer I began having what I could only call frequent "out of body" experiences. I did not do drugs and I was not into any spirituality/guru or whatever sort of stuff. I could feel myself, my real self, looking down at me in my life going about my business, but it wasn't me. The real me was the observer. It scared the shit out of me. One day I formally asked Pete to have lunch with me in the student center. This was an unusual event because he and I had so many kids to deal with during the day, we never took time for lunch, let alone with each other in an adult arena. We got our lunch trays in the cafeteria. I looked for a table where we could talk privately. I tried to tell him how afraid I was of this feeling, this sensation I was having. The fly on the wall looking down at myself. I cried. He listened to me. He cared about me so I know he tried to understand. But, he didn't. "You'll be O.K. honey" he said. "You have paralysis of the analysis." I never mentioned it again.
